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The night was darker that usual, an overabundance of clouds and the beginning of a new moon. The new moon would be covered, and the rain would fall heavy. Xavier closed his eyes. He was a bat. He enjoyed flying blind and made good use of his sonar capabilities. As he flew through the sky, his wings caught droplets of rain. That Daredevil movie lied about rain making sonar more effective, and Xavier hit the freshly washed window of the biggest skyscraper in the city. That was the end for Xavier. For our hero, on the other hand, it was just the beginning.
At the helm of the skyscraper stood Keanu Reeves in a leather coat that dragged along the ground as he walked. After walking through the night, it had accumulated dirt and a horrific amount of miscellaneous items, such as a lollipop, three owls and a back issue of Hustler. But he didn't care of those items. Keanu was focused impossibly intently on his walking style, which had to impress every shadow. He soon came to the edge of the skyscraper, not quite sure what to do. So far, his goal had been to walk impressively, but now there was no more space in which to do so. He turned around and what he saw shocked him:
The ghost of a tiny bat floated in the air a few feet away. Keanu stared furiously. What the hell was going on? "I will defeat you ghost!" Keanu shouted, kicking furiously in the direction of the bat while making sure not to lose his footing. But the ghost-bat was long gone into the night. Keanu continued to kick into the dark, frightened and dumbfounded.
"Come back!" he screamed, having been kicking for 2 hours, in which he had collected many objects on his foot, such as dust, dead flies, and a rusty tire iron. "Woah, dude." Keanu realized that he might have been onto something. Spend time outside, disregard responsibilities, acquire stuff? This life thing might not be too shabby after all.
He shed his long leather coat as it had grown heavy from the accumulated detritus. Underneath it he wore a long leather coat that dragged along the ground as he walked. After being under the previous coat it had accumulated dirt and an equally horrific amount of miscellaneous items, such as children, four wasps, and a bag of Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar that had attained consciousness.
"Hello Keanu," said the bag of Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar. "I am Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar. You may call me Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar."
"Whoah," ejaculated Keanu. "Is that a seven-layer burrito inside of you?" The Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar scoffed, offended. "How dare you accuse a burrito of being inside of me? I shall not forget the events that came to pass this day." The Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar left his coat to plot it's revenge. Keanu never felt hungrier in his life. Which is a big deal, because Keanu was often dangerously hungry. He was homeless, so he knew a thing or two about hunger. In fact, he was so hungry he ate his jacket, which was leather, which came from a cow, which people sometimes eat, hence him eating it just now.
When he had finished the jacket, he looked down. Underneath it he had worn a long leather coat that dragged along the ground as he walked. After being under the previous two coats it had accumulated dirt and an equally horrific amount of miscellaneous items, such as a box of Captain Crunch cereal, Pokemon Yellow Version, and a copy of Eat, Pray, Love that had also gained consciousness, but kept it to itself.
"Whoah," ejaculated Keanu. "Captain Crunch. Righteous. Too bad I don't have any milk, I'm starving. Oh well." He threw it off the top of the skyscraper, but merely tossed the Pokemon Yellow and Eat, Pray, Love book over next to an air conditioning vent on the roof.
"Whew," thought the copy of Eat, Pray, Love. "That was close."
The ghost of the tiny bat returned and hovered in front of Keanu. Keanu was determined to ignore it this time but couldn't. Furious, he pulled a comb out of his pocket and slicked back his hair. Now that he felt calmer he attempted to communicate with the phantom that hovered before him.
"Dude, so what's your deal? Like, why are you so far away from your home back in a cave, or something?"
The ghost bat simply fluttered there aimlessly. It didn't seem to understand anything that came out of Keanu's mouth. It was Much Ado About Nothing all over again. Or of course Bram Stoker's Dracula. Or just the goddamn bat. Keanu was saddened by its silence, but it humbled him at the same time. Right now would be a time for reflection.
Something began to vibrate. Keanu searched for the source, and found it in his leather jacket, stuck by a piece of chewed gum. The buzzing came from a cellphone. He picked it up and looked at the screen. Caller ID said it was "Bong McGee."
"Whoah," ejaculated Keanu. "Hello, man?"
"Pipes? Where the hell are you?" demanded detective Bong McGee.
"Dude, I'm here, in the sky. Are you the bat?" responded Keanu.
"Whoah," ejaculated Bong, "I might be the bat. How would I find out?"
"Dude, there was this bat. It was all like... I don't know." Keanu tried to think, but his brain was not accustomed to such activity.
"Dude, this isn't Pipes. Who is this, why do you have his phone?"
Keanu thought some more. His head took the familiar sensation it got when he ate ice cream too fast. "It probably got stuck on one of my coats," Keanu finally concluded.
"Dude whatever. I don't really care if you're Pipes or not. You seem cool. Can you help me score some weed?"
"Weed?" Keanu chuckled. "Weed is for little girls and libertarians. You want to get fucked up on meth and huff some oven cleaner?" "Holy fuck that is messed up, mang. Yes," came the reply from the phone.
"Awesome. Let your mind go," Keanu replied and threw the phone off the roof. He suddenly realized that he didn't tell the phone where to get everything. He shucked off the coat he was wearing and threw it off the roof after the phone, hoping it would hit the ground first and deaden the impact.
Keanu watched in horror as both items hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. The scattering iridescent pieces glinted in the street lights and immediately made Keanu realize he was wearing another leather coat under all those coats; but this leather coat was a bomber jacket cut, meaning it was not full of random accumulated junk. Keanu found that instead of random junk in this new jacket, it was full of carefully selected junk.
Specifically, carefully selected junk harvested from the homeless men that he came across in his journeys. He lured them into his windowless van with promises of the Big Rock Candy Mountain; he left them alone and bleeding, the eunuchs of a New World Order.
HIS New World Order.
He pulled out a specifically, carefully selected item from the breast pocket of his new bomber jacket. It was a long leather coat, the kind that dragged along the ground as you walked. After being in the pocket of his current coat it had accumulated dirt and an equally horrific amount of miscellaneous items, such as methamphetamine, a gun, and a Klondike bar. Keanu stared sadly at the dripping, soggy Klondike bar. Normally, he would have done unspeakable things for a refreshingly cold, crunchity, chocolatey Klondike bar. Now, gazing at the thing in his hand, he simply wanted to get rid of it. It went, unceremoniously, over the edge of the building.
"Ashes to ashes," said Keanu wistfully.
"...And dust to dust, MOTHERFUCKER," said the bag of Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar, who had returned to wreak its revenge upon the leather-jacketed thrower-awayer of far too many snack goods.
Keanu was not surprised. "Come at me, bro," he said unsurprisingly, because he wasn't.
"REEEEVVVEEEENGE!!" screamed the Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar as it sat on the roof, motionless.
Keanu was puzzled. "What's wrong?" he puzzled aloud.
"Nothing," said the Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar, "nevermind. You wouldn't understand."
"Try me," said Keanu, posing.
"It's just... I dunno," said the Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar, voice filled with doubt. "I mean, sure, I'm the first bag of Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar to attain consciousness, so, yeah, ten out of ten for effort, there, but surely there must be more to liAAAAUUUGGGGHHH!!!" it concluded, screaming.
"Whoah," said Keanu, munching on the contents of the now opened bag of Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar. "Zesty. Zesty extreme."
"Did you just eat the only bag of Doritos Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar to attain self-awareness in the history of the universe?" said the ghost bat, who was still there, or, if he wasn't before now, returned just now, just in time to witness Keanu's tactless snacking.
"I will defeat you ghost!" Keanu shouted, kicking furiously in the direction of the bat while making sure not to lose his footing. But the ghost-bat was long gone into the night. Keanu continued to kick into the dark, frightened and dumbfounded.
"Come back!" he screamed, having been kicking for 2 hours, in which he had collected many objects on his foot, such as a fine pair of steel-toed boots. Suddenly, the door to the roof swung open and out fell an obviously wasted Bong McGee.
"Woah," ejaculated Keanu, "who are you?"
"Dude I'm the guy that was on the phone earlier." Bong Mcgee was covered in miscellaneous items that Keanu had thrown off the roof.
"Right on!" Keanu grinned a grin of profound joy and idiocy. "How'd you find me?"
"It was partially that you kept throwing stuff at me from up here, and partially the fact that I could smell you from the street. I'm a detective," Bong McGee said in summation. "When you said the word 'meth', I knew what I had to sniff out."
"Whoah," ejaculated Keanu, "so do you, like, want some too?"
"This isn't the time for unbelievably zesty and extreme snacktacular delectable eatables, Keanu," Bong McGee said urgently. "There's urgent detecting that needs to be done and the game is afoot."
Keanu blinked a few times, completely and utterly confused. He looked at Bong McGee and then looked at his foot, clad in a fairly unremarkable steel-toed boot. There was a lot of junk attached to it.
"There's a boot on my foot," Keanu said observantly.
A full ten minutes of silence elapsed as Bong McGee and Keanu stood motionless, silently regarding the boot on Keanu's foot.
"Give me that shoe. It's a clue," ordered McGee. Keanu gave up his shiny new boot reluctantly.
"Sweeeeeeet," the words salivated out of Bong McGee's mouth as he removed his left shoe, replacing it with this bitchin' boot.
"So, like, what seems to be the problem dude?" Keanu had already forgotten about the boot. As he spoke, he found his eyes following a mysterious object on a path through the sky. "Wait... what's that?"
Bong McGee followed his gaze to the mysterious flying machine. The lights flashed vibrantly. "ALLLIEEEEENNNS!" Bong Mcgee ran to the nearest air duct and quickly threw his head in. He was now stuck. Keanu crouched nearer to the ground and covered himself with his leather jacket, or as he called it, his 'safe place'.
The craft, detecting the kinetic disturbance, landed upon the skyscraper. A group of four individuals stepped off the craft's platform, none wearing any bitchin' boots like McGee's.
"What is this hodunk-podunk animu bull-shit?" the alien demanded, fixing the ten-gallon hat atop its bulbous grey head. Bong Mcgee was trying to wiggle his way deeper into the duct, but it was no use. Keanu, on the other hand, enjoyed meeting new people and jumped out of his safe place.
"How's it going little grey dudes!" He said, holding out a hand and trying to explain what a handshake is through wild gestures.
The alien, sensing a potential disaster in communicating with a complete moron, pulled out a fancy-looking space gun.
"Hold on there, buddy," the alien cautioned. "My retard-sense is kicking in full bore. There's a retard here and in order to avoid any kind of miscommunication, I gotta disintegrate it."
Keanu, failing to sense his life in danger, simply muttered, "Whoah."
The alien leveled the gun at him and grimaced.
"Welp," the alien said noncommittally.
"Whoa dude, I think you need to yank on my ass or something," Bong McGee giggled loudly, waggling his exposed ass. "I think I'm stuck! That or I guess you could gimme a little pushin' on my cushion if you know what I mean mangs!"
The alien instantly whipped around and disintegrated Bong McGee.
"Sonuvabitch, that was a close call," the alien muttered darkly.
"Bong!" Keanu knew vaporizing when he saw it. "Dude you killed him... Major bummer."
"Now don't be gettin' yo' panties in a bunch now mo-ron," the strange cowboy alien said, twirling his gun around his finger. "This here ain't my disintegrator, this is my teleport ray."
"Whoah," ejaculated Keanu.
"Haha! You Earthlings are fools! It really is my disintegration ray! Take me to your head honcho so I can take over this ball of guano," the alien chortled.
"Dude, only if I can see the gun first," Keanu replied.
"Sure. Let me turn on the safety first. I don't want you to end up being demonstrably intelligent when handing you my gun. What a trope that would be!" the alien said, laughing. A button push later, the gun was in Keanu's hand.
"Pretty cool," Keanu admired before handing the gun back to the alien. "I for one welcome our new cowboy alien overlords to San Dimas. Say, are you guys hiring?"
The aliens looked back and forth at each other, warily. Could humanity really be this stupid? They had been shown training videos of wars and shit. "Uh... yeah, pardner, I'm not really in charge of hiring. Do you have a resume?"
"I GOT YOUR RESUME RIGHT HERE!" A barritone voice announced as a mighty fist punched one of the aliens RIGHT IN THE GODDAMN FACE. "CC that to Fistpuncher!"
The newcomer turned towards the other alien. "Ready for my cover-letter, you green martian sumbitch?"
"First of all I ain't even green you racist-" the second alien began, only to be silenced by a mighty punch to the face.
"Whoa," Keanu gasped. Facepuncher had transversed the Neovellaverse, just as Bong McGee had (see "Bong McGee and the Case of the Missing Bong" in Volume II: Ripped). When all seemed lost, help came from the most unexpected of places.
"I didn't expect you to punch those aliens in the face," Keanu gawped.
"You must not know me very well."
"That's true, I just-"
"Ow!" Keanu exclaimed, clutching his broken nose. "You just punched me in the face!"
"Get the picture?"
And so, Keanu was enlightened.
"Whoah," he ejaculated. Facepuncher suddenly became distracted by a passing helicopter, and decided to punch it. The harder he punched, the further he flew. It was just shy of the needed distance, however, as Facepuncher fell clean off the skyscraper.
"Whoa--" began Keanu as the rooftop door swung open. Out came Pipes.
"Where's Bong? Where's Meth?" he questioned.
Keanu tried to come up with an explanation of the extreme confusion he found himself experiencing, but he ended up just staring at Pipes with his mouth hanging open and arms flailing in the directions that things happened.
Conveniently, much like any other comedy trope, the gun's safety was pushed and Keanu shot Pipes with the disintegration ray.
"Bloah," Keanu mumbled through the blood from his broken nose.
He stopped flailing and noticed another bat fluttering close by.
"Holy shit honky, you are fucked up," the bat observed astutely.
"A bloo bloo bloo," Keanu weeped in reply. Forgetting the moment, he slipped the gun into his jacket, where it accompanied several miscellaneous items which had accumulated via his outings through the city. This included: several bottles of ecstacy, a wooden mallet, a Joker playing card, and a sonic screwdriver. Lost in his delirium, Keanu realized that he was alone. And still very, very hungry. As he rummaged in his coat, he realized that there was, in fact, something to eat. As he withdrew his hand, clutching a cellophane wrapper tightly, Keanu's eyes lit like poorly rigged special effects at a German rave-hall.
He had some Ho-Hos.
Glorious Ho-Hos of the deepest and most beautiful chocolate brown. The elegant swirl of cream visibly seeping out the sides urged him to understand the beauty of it all. Life suddenly had meaning.
Keanu stood there atop the skyscraper just in time to watch the sun rising. He chomped down on his two-year-old, expired Ho-Ho as his eyes watched the sun increase in brightness, casting its illustrious glow upon the cityscape below him.
One bite, two bites, three bites.
"Whoah," he climaxed.
[The end] ...? [!]
And that's when he came. My god did he cum.
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